


a little more

by angstoverload



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Alternate Universe - Idols, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Crying, Emotional, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings, Fluff, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, M/M, Mentioned Other TOMORROW X TOGETHER Members, Not Beta Read, OTL, Sad, Sad Choi Yeonjun, Soft Choi Soobin, Vague Feelings, Yearning, if you look for it, this is just sad, why did i do this to myself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:40:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25229971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angstoverload/pseuds/angstoverload
Summary: "i'll be fine… won't i?"soobin takes a glance at yeonjun. yeonjun cannot make out the younger's expression in the dim lit room, but he looks at him expectantly."you will."
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 8
Kudos: 85





	a little more

**Author's Note:**

> uh hi!!! so this is my very first fic in the txt fandom, and my first fic in a really long time, so im kinda nervous about this.... 😬 anyways! here's a fic i wrote mainly as self-indulgence more than anything, inspired by eaJ's [50 proof](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=G9OCTnonBgw). it's a very nice and soothing song, and it kinda sets the mood for the fic too! you can listen to it while reading if you want ^^
> 
> (this hasnt been beta read or proof checked so pls excuse the mistakes i'll go through and correct them soon ;-;)

it's a long night.

yeonjun is at the balcony of their dorm, yet another night of sleeplessness seizing him. he's sure he has bags underneath his eyes, but something refuses to let his body (and mind) rest.

sometimes, for people like him, rest is a luxury.

he's dressed in his pajamas, hair still ruffled upright from the amount of hairspray on it. something pulls down at his entire being, to just lie down and be there forever. he looks over the railing, observing the street, uninterested.

his phone buzzes low with a song, the only sound in an otherwise silent neighborhood. he sees a stray dog sitting by the gate of a house, staring intently at something. a teenager cycles his way across the street, definitely rushing to reach home.

yeonjun sighs as he feels exhaustion pull at his muscles, yet his eyes stay wide awake. the cold air sends shivers through his body. his manager is probably going to scold him come morning, but he could honestly care less.

he takes a deep breath as he pulls his arms together, a shield against the cold, mind running a mile an hour and words jumbled and stuck in his throat. each breath he takes is filled with a frustration he cannot understand, with no way to resolve. everything ahead looks dark, black, with no light to show him a way out of this; out of whatever he's feeling.

his phone vibrates, and yeonjun chooses to ignore it yet again. it must be someone attempting to reach out again after radio silence for months. most of his chats are just that; people he had talked to years ago suddenly wanting to talk to him, to befriend him, all because he is now popular. a known face. a privilege.

he knows it's wrong to judge; maybe someone genuinely wanted to connect with him again. maybe it was one of his middle school friends, the ones he grew up playing soccer with. or maybe it was a cousin or a niece, long forgotten through the years, from when he stepped into the big city of seoul with nothing but passion, dreams and a handful of money.

but no one was there when he suffered the most. no one was there when he'd return every night to the trainee dorm, muscles itching with pain, heart heavy and begging to let out the tears of frustration he had held in sternly, nor when they did leak out; they weren't there when he was stuck in his dreams, where everything was just out of his reach, disappearing into thin air. no one was there when he wanted to rejoice from the news that he was finally achieving his dreams, that he was _successful_ now.

he sure as hell doesn't need them now.

the lump in his throat only grows, bigger and bigger till it makes him feel like he's being choked. maybe he is. he isn't sure of anything anymore.

he gulps it down as much as he could and takes a deep breath. this isn't new; he has had way too many sleepless nights to feel weird by it.

his phone vibrates again, making him finally take a look at it.

he only scoffs when he sees an unknown number pop up in the notifications.

someone else, with the same sentence of _do you remember me? i'm…_

he lets out an exasperated sigh. anger fills him from the pit of his stomach till his throat, the kind of quiet anger that one just lives with, with no proper way to express it. one that lingers underneath everything, slowly bubbling, but never overflowing.

yeonjun thrusts his mobile back into his pocket. he sits on the floor of the balcony, fists curled tight till his palm turns white.

no one can understand him. no one _will_ understand him. none of them will.

the lump in his throat rises and rises and rises till he feels like he cannot breathe.

something breaks in him.

**\+ × +**

_choi yeonjun stepped into bighit entertainment at his tender teenage years, with a passion too big and age too young that people doubted whether he would be able to last long._

_the building he had dreamed about for so long felt cold and hostile from the moment he stepped in, and he soon realized that what he stepped in to was not just a pathway to his dreams, but a game of survival. a game so ruthless, relentless, and which absolutely does not wait for you, or anyone. it goes on, forgetting you and leaving you behind, like a train that only accelerates forward, crushing anything on its way._

_every day, yeonjun woke up with determination to succeed, to achieve what he stepped out for. but somewhere, it morphed from honing his passion and skills and personal growth to wanting—_ having _to be the only survivor. it wasn't just his skills anymore; he had to convince everyone that he was the best, when he wasn't sure of it himself. he was alone in this fight for his one true dream, with no one to say that he's doing well, or that he's done enough._

_that was until choi soobin came in._

_soobin, with his soft but demanding presence, with his too wide of a heart and arms, took yeonjun aback completely. soobin was strong, but did not necessarily make anyone be in a bad light. he was confident and humble, kind yet strict._

_but more than anything, he was the one who told yeonjun how well he has done till now. yeonjun had not heard anyone give any praise to him, especially not his peers, those who are competing against him. but soobin was so honest and genuine about it, that yeonjun started to believe his words; began trusting him._

_he was like the comforting hug yeonjun wanted all these days, long overdue but here anyway, and here to stay._

_he found himself quickly warming up to soobin; and to everyone else as well. he went from the disinterested yeonjun that everyone knew to the cheery one that only very few remembered, back from when they had first seen him. soobin, in ways more than one, brought out the best in him. he was a little more like himself, like how he hoped for him to be._

_and most importantly, he finally, finally did not feel alone._

**\+ × +**

"hyung?"

yeonjun turns towards the direction of the voice, and quickly wipes his face, suddenly self-conscious.

"yeah?"

"you aren't sleeping."

soobin puts it more as a statement than a question. yeonjun only nods, staring into the endless horizon of buildings too tall and lights still bright. "couldn't." he answers simply.

he feels soobin take a seat beside him, on the cold floor of the outdoor balcony, but doesn't turn to him. his eyes are fixed on the sky, searching for something that he doesn't even know.

(he ignores the way his hearts beats a bit faster than before. or at least tries to.)

the two of them sit in comfortable silence, till the air goes from chill to ice cold. somewhere, far away, a thunder resonates. yeonjun shivers to it; pulls his arms around himself more. he was never really fond of thunders.

he could tell that soobin wanted to speak to him, about what was bothering him, but where will he begin? what can he point out and say 'this is what's bothering me'? his mind is a puddle of thoughts, often stepped into and left disoriented even more than before. even now, he cannot really say what he's thinking, because he cannot point out. there were a lot: guilt from the past, frustration at the present, fear of the future, and everything in between. the members. _soobin_. how yeonjun is supposed to be the calm and collected eldest of the group, yet here he is, breaking apart slowly, not knowing what exactly was the thing that broke him. his family. the life he left behind in seongnam.

another thunder, this time louder, breaks yeonjun from his thoughts. he almost jumps at the roaring sound, feeling his heart beat pick up speed.

soobin says nothing; only pulls yeonjun into his arms. in that warm embrace, in that reassuring moment, yeonjun knew he cannot hold it back anymore.

one, two, three, the tears fall down his face. he holds onto soobin's hand that is on his head, slowly and soothingly carding through his hair. soobin still says nothing; just lets yeonjun hold his hand and holds him tighter, closer.

as light rain cascades down and drenches them, yeonjun lets everything that is weighing his heart wash away. he cries along with the sky, though with much less sound.

he cries quietly, exhausted to even let out a sound. _is this the end of it all? was this why i was so scared?_ hundreds of questions run through his mind, a jumbled mess.

_is this how i'm going to be?_

"it's okay," soobin whispers, his chin on top of yeonjun's head. yeonjun felt safe in his arms. "i'm here. _we're_ here, and we're together."

yeonjun only nods, not trusting his voice at all.

"we'll always be here, okay? together. all of us. _i'll_ be with you."

another nod; a racked sob finally escaping his throat.

"you don't have to talk now, but remember that i'll always listen, hm?"

to this, yeonjun does not answer. what does he say, really? that he doesn't know why he's crying? that there are so many things, too many thoughts that go around his mind, a blurry fog that he isn't sure how to clear? that he's afraid this will bring down everything he has worked so damn hard to build? that he's worried the others will look at him in pity?

(that maybe, _maybe_ , he likes soobin in a way he isn't supposed to?)

"hyung?" soobin calls, breaking yeonjun's chain of thoughts again. his voice is soft, calm, and never startles yeonjun.

"let's go inside?"

yeonjun nods, only nods, and picks himself up. they are drenched from the rain, but he doesn't want to change. his mind is now a more subtle mess, numb and blank and not really willing to function. soobin words fall on his buzzing ears, never really registering it. he sees the younger move towards their closet room. he stares blankly at the room, the door that is now open, showing the silhouette of a fast asleep beomgyu.

he'll never know. yeonjun prays that he never knows. no one should seen him like this: weak, vulnerable, and not at all the _hyung_ they love and look up to.

the thought sends another wave of emotions in him, enough to get to the brim of breaking him apart again.

in the meantime, soobin went inside the room, careful not to wake the younger up, and brings a new set of dress to change into. he somehow coaxes yeonjun into changing to them. yeonjun does all of it in a daze, never really registering the worried glances soobin shot towards him: after all, yeonjun had never looked… this empty? hollow? yeonjun doesn't know how to word it. he has never showed this side to anyone, making sure to hide it deep inside him, a place no one can ever reach.

he forces a smile on his face. he turns to soobin, who's pushing all the clothes off his bed, getting ready to sleep. "i'll be fine," he told, to which soobin smiles. "i'll be fine… won't i?"

soobin takes a glance at yeonjun. yeonjun cannot make out the younger's expression in the dim lit room, but he looks at him expectantly.

"you will."

and that, those two words were the assurance yeonjun needed.

that night, as yeonjun lies on his bed, he feels a pair of long arms wrap around him, hands carding through his hair, and hears a soft, low voice humming, a melody that lulls him to a dreamless, peaceful sleep.

**\+ × +**

if the other members notice how he's acting a bit off, a bit unlike himself of the usual days, they don't mention it. yeonjun is thankful for that, because he does not want to explain to them about his... _non_ -thoughts. or thoughts. or whatever explained the emptiness in his mind (and heart).

that day, soobin sticks a bit closer to him, acts a bit more warmer to him. he brings him his favorite ice-cream bar from the snacks shop in the building, and shows yeonjun videos of raccoons. yeonjun lets himself bask in the younger's attention, sternly ignoring the way his heart thumped against his chest a bit faster whenever soobin laughed at something and sprawled himself on yeonjun's lap. yeonjun always loves watching soobin smile and be happy, especially around him.

yeonjun doesn't know what soobin had told the others, but they were acting a lot… _clingier_ than usual. hueningkai had not let go of him throughout their rehearsal period, hands always resting on his stomach— his own way of comfort. beomgyu joins yeonjun's small practice routine in their green room, exaggerating the moves and making a small laugh escape the eldest. taehyun did a bit of everything; he volunteered to clean up their lunches even though it was yeonjun's turn, he played around his hyung on the stage, and showed him a funny post he had found online about them.

yeonjun is exhausted by the end of the day, like he usually is (maybe more than that), but his heart feels fuller than usual. it feels warm, to the point where yeonjun suspects he's getting a cold.

he's sitting beside soobin on the car ride back home, head resting against the window and eyes closed, but not exactly asleep. he _couldn't_ sleep; it was another thing he had to work his way through, his own problem that no one knows.

there's a hand on his head, and he almost flinches at the touch. a bit of manoeuvring and his head is now resting on a shoulder. soobin's. yeonjun wants to wake up, but exhaustion is still pulling at his entire being, so he decides it's better to stay still and pray that he catches _some_ sleep.

"he looks a bit tired, doesn't he?" he hears huening ask soobin, who nods to the reply, chin against yeonjun's head.

"he's been working a lot," soobin says. yeonjun _feels_ his eyes on him, but doesn't dare to look back. "hasn't gotten proper rest lately."

he feels hands tangling with his own, a tight curl wrapping around, filing an emptiness he didn't know existed. he feels overwhelmed, but doesn't open his eyes. lets himself feel it, enjoy it a bit more.

"i hope he gets better," soobin almost whispers. "hey, listen, can we all sleep together today? same bed? i feel like it'd be good if we all did that once again. y'know, talk through the night. tomorrow is free for us anyway."

and he knows, he _knows_ the sparkle that would be on hueningkai's eyes, as he nods eagerly. from behind, taehyun and beomgyu— probably engrossed in talking about a game— reply in affirmation.

yeonjun doesn't see the fond smile soobin has on his face, but he definitely feels it in the way soobin's hand curls around his own, an almost physical sense of warmth passing through his body.

as his senses fall into a familiar, calm darkness, he holds on to it a bit tighter, a bit closer. feels a little more better than before.

(falls a little more in love.)

**Author's Note:**

> the romance was v minimal but i hope it was wholesome of yeonbin's friendship ;-;
> 
> do come yeonbin with me! ^-^
> 
> [twitter](https://www.twitter.com/typical_fangrl)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/typical_fangrl)


End file.
